God has given me three new devotional ideas to write. I am very excited about them. Unfortunately, I have had a difficult time putting them down in writing. I don't know how it is for other writers, but in order for me to be productive, I HAVE to be alone in a quiet place. So, as much as I would LOVE to deliver a devotion to you (as promised) today, I just cannot do it. Things at work have been pretty hectic lately, and mom and I have been working hard to finish our children's book. Add that to my every day responsibilities at home, and I just do not have the mental capability left over to write the devotions. Hang with me, though, I promise I will get myself organized and back on track. Just consider this a "dry spell."
I will, however, share my thoughts with you tonight. Sit back, relax...this one's a little longer than you're used to. (Sorry mom, I know you're at work!)
I am not sure what has come over me today. JP and I went to church this morning. It was an amazing service, as usual. We then came home and ate lunch with my mom, sister, and Preston. We were pretty lazy around the house this afternoon, and tonight we went back over to mom and dad's to eat sub sandwiches for dinner. All in all it was a good day. A normal day.
When it came time to get JP ready for bed, every OUNCE of patience that I normally possess, left my body! EVERYTHING he did drove me absolutely crazy. Granted, he doesn't listen like I would like for him to, but what five year old boy does? He wasn't behaving terribly, or doing anything out of the ordinary. My actions, however, were out of the ordinary. I was a HOT MESS! I try not to yell/raise my voice at JP. That blew up in my face tonight! I was so fed up with hearing my name and having to repeat myself to him. I completely lost control.
Once I calmed myself down, I went and crawled in the bed with him. I told him that I was sorry for losing my patience and reminded him that it was wrong of me to yell. Being the sweet child that he is, he said, "I forgive you, mommy." And all was well.
I held him until he fell asleep. Out of nowhere, an overwhelming weight washed over me and I began to cry. All of a sudden I was painfully aware of my responsibility to him as his mother. My job is to prepare him for life. His spiritual wellness is dependant on me as well. What kind of a model am I for him? Thirty minutes before this, I was telling him NOT to say my name again and not to talk to me. I was yelling at him to brush his teeth and get into bed. I was frustrated because he was so needy. I didn't want to be needed.
Now, I lay beside him thinking of what my little fit must have looked like to him. And I feel rotten!
Thankfully, my son has such a forgiving spirit. I have no doubt that things will be back to normal in the morning. He will have forgotten the happenings of tonight. I, on the other hand, need to better control my emotions around JP. I love him so much. Once upon a time, I longed to hear him call me "mommy." I need to remind myself of that.
Well, I guess that's all. I appreciate you allowing me to vent. This whole ordeal made me so thankful that Jesus doesn't ever get tired of hearing us call out His name.
I should strive to be more like Him.
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